my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
