My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
