Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We need to feng shui this bitch.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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