Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
there is glitter all over my balls
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