Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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