Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
