Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
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Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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