You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
