tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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