I'm laying in your front yard are you home
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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