rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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