Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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