Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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