I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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