If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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