Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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