she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
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I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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