Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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