I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
