we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
