see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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