Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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