i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
