I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
