he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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