Got a toothbrush?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
