there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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