Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
