I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
