I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
