I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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