I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize