god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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