4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
