he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
