i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
