you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
