I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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