I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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