dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
