I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
