I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
