Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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