Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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