Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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