wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
