She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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