She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.