Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag