This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
