I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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