next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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