All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
