That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
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I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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