Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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