The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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