I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
