It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
