you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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