Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
