You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
