At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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