just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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